“why won’t you give me advice in our coaching session?”

Beacuse I am really REALLY controlling myself. The hardest thing about learning to be a coach was training myself out of this habit, and boy do I ever give advice in every other relationship in my life. I live for it!

If only it ever worked! How amazing would that be? I would personally have saved myself years of struggle if I had been able to listen to advice. I can’t do it. Fundamentally incapable. And I suspect a few of you out there are like me too. Every time I’ve given in to the temptation to tell clients what to do during a session, give advice or otherwise direct the conversation I’ve regretted it.

First the simple reason:

We are more likely to accept solutions that come from us.

Next is the slightly complicated reason:

You are a system with a delicate balance. A system needs solutions from within itself to maintain balance. Think of an invasive toad that gets introduced to an ecosystem and wreaks havoc. Then To fix the issue the experts introduce a snake to eat the toads which becomes an invasive species too and makes everything worse. I don’t want to be another invasive species in your ecosystem.

Finally, the deeply complex reason:

It’s that everything is impermanent. Ok, stay with me. It gets better. Few things are capital T-true, but I believe this is: We are complex and ever-changing. The world is complex and ever-changing. The key realization I had today may not fit through the door I face tomorrow. The description or label that served me today and felt liberating could feel like a cage by next year.

Through it all, we are looking for stability. Peace. In other words, we are looking for how to be what we are, and what we are is always changing its description. So, we need insights that are knit from our own thoughts and feelings. Out of our own understanding of truth at that moment. We’ll keep doing that throughout our whole lives. That is the art of being human.

When I’m staring deep into your mysterious complexity. Your beautiful, ever-changing ecosystem, how could I ever presume to know what’s best for you?

So if not advice, what?

Mirroring, perspective, normalizing, opening doors, offering, and deep listening.

Coaching is a partnership in your creative unfolding. It’s listening with the goal of helping you access the power you hold.

Sounds good? Learn more here.