What is self-trust and how do I get it?

First, let’s get clear on trust. What is it, and how does it work?

Trust is something you build over time through experience. Like putting marbles into a jar. Each marble is an experience that adds to the trust. When someone breaks the trust, it’s as though the jar gets knocked over and the marbles spill out. Then you have to put them all back in. Re-build the trust. But what does that mean when we talk about trusting ourselves?

Wired for trust building:

From the moment we’re born, we reach toward the edges of our capacity and test our limits. We learn what we can do, and then we push that limit through curiosity. Every experience that we have builds up our trust jar. We learn to trust our legs to hold us and our hands to grab things. Trust in ourselves is balanced by trust in others. We trust our caretakers to keep us safe and guide us. They help us fill in the blank pages of our experience.

Self-trust is:

Knowing and inhabiting yourself and owning your abilities. It’s respect for yourself as you are, and the natural drive of curiosity that motivates you to grow. It’s also the humility to understand that we are interdependent, and the ability to build trust with others. It’s an open-ended belief in our ability to grow.

Self-trust isn’t:

A soapbox. Radical individualism. Total independence. Closed-minded adherence to a belief. Or absolution from the responsibilities of interconnectedness.

How do we lose trust in ourselves?

There are a few ways that a trust jar can end up empty or get knocked over. It might be an illness that shakes your trust in your body or mind. It could be a decision bit you in the behind, and now you don’t trust your judgement. It could be that someone (or some institution) tried to control you and overrode your agency. Or maybe you just never got to explore enough and fill that jar with trust-building experiences when you were small.

How do we get it back?

It’s not a decision you make once. You’ll need to make it again and again until you have enough experiences to fill your jar. It will probably mean starting small. To switch metaphors for a sec here, if you think about it as building muscle, you’re not going to walk into a gym one day and pick up the heaviest barbell. The great news is that this process is actually a lot of fun. Following our curiosity and testing our limits with openness is the backbone of the most enjoyable and memorable parts of childhood.

Easy ways to start your self trust journey:

1) Stop and listen. Your inner voice needs space and quiet. It might not make sense, but listening to whatever is there for you is a starting point.

2) Pay attention to your random fixations. Set aside time to indulge them. That is it about classic ships, 80s hair metal or the movie “Newsies” that you like so much?

3) Pick something and get to know yourself through it. Stilt walking, jump roping, yoga, doodling, whittling, singing in the shower. Pick something that feels new and explore the edges of your ability. Slow down while you’re doing it. See which edges you can expand. Notice what comes up.

Remember: you were born to do this. You are wired to grow, learn and connect.

"Working rightly, the brain is the highest form of “instinctual wisdom.” Thus it should work like the homing instinct of pigeons and the formation of the fetus in the womb — without verbalizing the process or knowing “how” it does it. The self-conscious brain, like the self-conscious heart, is a disorder, and manifests itself in the acute feeling of separation between “I” and my experience. The brain can only assume its proper behavior when consciousness is doing what it is designed for: not writhing and whirling to get out of present experience, but being effortlessly aware of it."

-Buckminster Fuller

Coaching can be like training wheels for your inner-trust. If that sounds like something you might be into click here to get rolling.