Don’t skip this step in your big life transitions.

I’m forever amazed at how quickly people expect to bounce back after a big life change. I often hear my clients say: “I left my corporate job/my marriage/school/moved across the country/retired a while ago, but I don’t feel any desire to work on my business/dive into studies/get creative in the studio. What’s wrong with me?”

There’s probably nothing wrong with you. You might just need a vacation.

“A vacation?” you might say, “but now’s the time to hit the ground running! There is so much to do! Plus, I’m finally free to do what I want. I should be excited, but I feel listless and uninspired.”

I hear you. And that’s exactly why you need one. If you’ve just taken a big leap to live a different way, why would you want to re-create the circumstances you’ve just left?

Story time!

If you want to skip straight to the instructions part, scroll down until you see this guy

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When I was 15, I read a book that changed my life: “The teenage liberation handbook: how to quit school and get a real life and education” by Grace Llewellyn. Within a few months I joined the unschooling movement and that book became my guide and permission slip to follow my natural curiosity.

One tool that has stayed with me is “the vacation”. The basic premise is: if you’ve been in a compulsory schooling environment, you were likely trained to ignore your basic needs and curiosities for the sake of a curriculum and rigid schedule. You’ve been stuffed full of information without any regard for your interest or curiosity. You certainly aren’t going to feel curiosity “hunger” right after walking out the door. And maybe not for a while longer, either.

This doesn’t just apply to leaving school. It applies to any coercive space (literal or figurative) where you were not permitted to tune in to yourself and follow your own rhythms.

The vacation is a detox period. One where we don’t ask anything of ourselves except “What do I need right now”. There is no expectation of learning, performance, or output of any kind. The focus is learning to find your natural hunger and curiosity again. That’s the spark of self-motivation. But to eventually feel that spark again you have to be what you are right now even if what you are right now is: tired. Bored. Obsessed with researching capybaras. If all you want to do is stare at a tree out the window. That’s perfect. That’s allowed.

How long does the vacation last? It depends, but probably longer than you expect or feel comfortable with. That’s how it was for me. I was feeling so much pressure to prove to my family that I had a plan. That I wasn’t just another typical dropout. There was pressure to jump into action and showcase all the brilliance that I promised everyone was right under the surface was staggering. But, I trusted that I was right about myself: that I had an innate drive, an inherent ability to learn, and a desire to contribute. So I watched movies. Cooked. Lay in bed with my cat. Slept! Oh lord. I was so sleep-deprived from years of getting up at the crack of dawn to ride a bus 1.5 hours to school. Gradually, I started to read and draw again. Then, I started rock climbing, dancing flamenco and playing electric guitar. I took coding classes and creative writing classes. Some of these things cost money, and we didn’t have much, so I started working in film. I began reading through the works of Shakespeare. I met other unschoolers and we founded bands and businesses. I started living my whole life. Not just living in the margins.

And it turns out, I was right about myself. I learned to listen to myself and take up space in my own life. Spend it as I wanted. These skills and many others that I picked up through this time are the foundation of my work today. But most importantly, I learned the warm, soft and inescapable FACT, that I am not my work.

Neither are you.

How to take a Detox vacation:

a) Slow down. Take things down to the bare minimum for a while. The most important thing is to drastically reduce your expectations for yourself until you start to feel a spark again. We’re listening for that curiosity and hunger and learning to follow it. To do that, you have to take as much pressure off as you can.

b) Notice how you are honestly feeling. Are you enjoying that show you're watching? Or are you actually bored and scrolling through your phone at the same time, looking for stimulation? You don’t have to change anything; just slow down and notice.

c) Get support. Inform the people in your life about what you are doing to avoid meeting with resistance. If you struggle with mental health and freeze response-type coping strategies. A trauma-informed teacher, coach, or mental health professional can help you learn the difference between freeze response and actual rest.

A (BIG, IMPORTANT) caveat:

We still need to survive! You’re probably not a teenager who can stay home and still be fed and housed. Those of us who are grown and have responsibilities might have to figure out a bare minimum. That could mean: finding an easy job that doesn’t stress us out (one client left a corporate job to work in a plant store). Simplifying things with our families and not doing the most for a little while. I recognize that this may not be possible for everyone. Many of us are working long hours for survival. Times are tough. If that’s the case for you, how might you make space for yourself mentally and emotionally? What internalized pressures can you let go of? Just temporarily. How can you release the grip of hustle culture just a bit and tune in to your own interest and needs? For a week. For one night a week.

What does this look like in action?

I recently went through this process again with a big move. Like a transplanted tree or the new fish in the aquarium that has to stay in her bag for a while, I needed to make space for the transition. As an adult with bills and responsibilities:

1) I scaled my work down to a bare minimum of clients, prioritizing things I knew I could do easily and that didn’t stretch me.

2) I took a break from everything optional that didn’t come from genuine inner hunger.

3) I got a bunch of support.

And the hunger came back, bringing inspiration and natural motivation with it. I have built a lot of trust in myself around this ebb and flow over the years. I know that I will recover my ability natural ability to learn and participate in the world if I stand up for myself fiercely. If I rest. If I listen.

I know you will too.

XO Annalee

PS: If this sounds good, but you’d really rather have a hand to hold, we might be a good fit. I’ve coached many clients through the wilderness of big life transitions. Together we’ve helped them deconstruct the lessons of school and toxic work places and reconnect to their natural motivation. Learn more here.