When we feel shame about our sensitivity
Read me in 4 minutes, 6 seconds
Why do we put masks on? There are lots of reasons, but if you dig into them, you’ll find many of them are sprouting off one big tap root: shame.
The Big Picture
We live in a dominant culture that requires us to be tough and Stoic. Rational, not emotional. But these traits are often the product of disassociation. IE: Disconnection from ourselves and others. You can’t selectively turn the volume down on your senses. Feel some feelings and not others. You either numb out, or you feel it all. And when we numb out, the feelings don’t go away. They turn in on us and fester. Or they find “acceptable” ways to express themselves. For example, men are encouraged by society to feel anger, and women are encouraged to be sad. And never the twain shall meet.
So we have general societal shame around feelings, especially big ones. But there’s a specific and practical way that this gets passed down to sensitive people.
Ok, but how does it affect you?
Let’s use an example. Say there’s a sensitive kid. We’ll call her Susan. And she grows up hearing “suck it up and stop being dramatic”. “Big girls don’t cry”. “I’m so glad you’re normal, unlike your siblings”. She tries to toughen up, and suffer through her overwhelm with coping strategies. Slowly Susan disassociates from the identity of “sensitive” because her sense of self is built on the coping strategies she developed. She takes pride in her “tough cookie” persona. One day, Susan has kids of her own.
Now, about 30% of people are highly sensitive. It’s a feature, not a bug of humankind. We’ve always needed a variety of levels of sensitivity in a group in order to survive. Our sensitivity is determined by both our genes and environment (epigenetics). So chances are that at least one of these kids will be highly sensitive too.
So now Susan has this brand new, sensitive toddler (let’s call them Ash), and they are all the things that Susan has tried to avoid and ignore all of these years. They have all the needs that Susan has repressed. They demand attention and acceptance Susan never got, and show the vulnerable and embarrassing feelings that she has worked so hard to hide. Susan looks at her kid and feels overwhelming shame going back decades. Susan might even feel angry: she can control herself and be good even when she’s screaming on the inside. Why can’t Ash?!
Hot take: No one can make you feel more shame for something than someone who has repressed that same thing in themselves. If someone comes at you with “how dare you” or “who do you think you are?” you can usually bet the farm that you’ve triggered something in them that they’re trying desperately to distance themselves from.
So not only does the sensitivity-crushing worldview get passed on, but we add a layer of projected shame and self loathing. The big feelings become hard to handle not only because they’re overwhelming, and we’re not being offered good strategies to cope with them, but because they trigger big feelings in our caregivers. We learn to be ashamed of ourselves. Some of us take up the mantle of repressing sensitivity and join the ranks of the Stoic Tough Cookies. Some of us become the problem child with all the “issues”. Our repressed sensitive parent might try to work on us and fix us not just out of love, but because from their point of view sensitivity is a problem to fix. That’s how they’ve dealt with it in themselves.
What do we do?
This dynamic creates many patterns that can take a lifetime to untangle. A good therapist can help. Mindfulness and self acceptance practices are great too. AND, these things always come in layers. A great way to uncover yet another layer of your patterns is to set a goal that pushes you out of your comfort zone. I see this shame crop up in clients all the time when they get close to expressing themselves authentically in their work and relationships. A coach who doesn't see these patterns for what they are might encourage you to just push through, which only causes the shame to snap down like a bear trap.
Shame needs us to slow down. Soften. And gently challenge it with love and acceptance. Pushing through and pretending shame doesn’t exist won’t give us the understanding we need to undo those knots for good. And it won’t uncover the beauty and strength buried underneath.
So often, the people we turn to for help try to help us change who we are, thereby reinforcing the belief that our lives are difficult because there is something wrong with us. If you feel like it’s time to build a life that works for you as you are, and allows you to access more of the gifts that come from your sensitivity, I’m a trauma informed life, career and executive coach who works exclusively with who have sensitive systems and unconventional minds I’d be happy to chat and see how I and support you.