The Layers of Unmasking
Read me in 2 minutes, 59 seconds.
image by Francesco Ungaro
Revealing our true selves is a many layered process. Likely, each layer has layers of its own. As we go through the stages of reclaiming our authenticity, we find tools and strategies that worked and some that didn’t. Some that are still useful, and some we never want to use again. This list isn’t linear, it’s more like a spiral or concentric circle. For example: lots of us have unmasked with really close friends before we felt safe to unmask just in our own company.
Unmasking in your mind
This is when we begin to realize that we are not the mask. We start to see glimmers of other parts of ourselves beneath it and understand that the masking parts of us were protecting all along.
2. Unmasking around yourself
We feel comfortable in our own company. We let ourselves be how we are, accommodate our needs, follow our curiosity, and don’t self-monitor. This level is about self acceptance. Not hiding who you are from yourself anymore.
3. Unmasking with your inner circle
One of the easiest levels to access, if you’re lucky enough to find your people. The ones whose brains vibrate (or warp, as my friends would say) the way yours does. The same kind of weird, in other words. Or at least a compatible kind. This one is interesting because in order to find those people you have to let the mask slip a bit, but once you recognize each other and that trust starts to build it can generate enough safety to trigger an avalanche of unmasking in other areas of your life. We heal in relationships.
4. Unmasking at work
This can look a lot of ways. Maybe you’ve found a champion who sees the strengths in your differences and encourages you to be more of yourself. Maybe you’ve unmasked with yourself and become comfortable influencing your environment by advocating for your needs and informing others. Maybe you’ve moved to a company or industry where you’re among like-minded people and there’s a culture that matches your vibe. ( I found this in a large outdoor retailer, and the film industry). Or maybe you’ve branched off to work for yourself and be the accepting work environment you always needed.
5. Unmasking at large
To make this one work well, we usually need to have 1-3 in place. You need to be comfortable with yourself and have an inner circle of love and acceptance before you can face the world and maintain your sense of safety. All of those masks had purpose and were in response to real things you experienced. I won’t pretend that being sensitive and authentic out in the hyper-connected world is easy. You need a substantial amount of IDGAF energy. That energy comes from being 100% ok with yourself and having close community. Even if you don’t feel 100% ok with yourself, deciding that you want to be is enough. Also, you get to decide what “at large” means. Being sensitive and authentic doesn’t mean you have to share or show all of yourself to everyone. Being selective and discerning isn’t the same thing as wearing a mask or hiding who you are.
Masks on demand. Using discernment.
A mask can be a prison, but there’s no denying it’s also a useful tool. With the current state of the world, it would be foolish and dangerous to say that “everyone should be 100% themselves every second of every day!”. That should ABSOLUTELY be the way that the world works. Right now, for a lot of folks, it isn’t. That is unacceptable, and fighting it is just. AND there are times when we might need to wear masks until we can get ourselves to a safer place. The premise behind the “It Gets Better Project” is giving hope to young people who have to mask their authentic selves to stay safe, and letting them know that a better day will come. If we can be honest with ourselves about who we are, and share our authenticity with trusted people, it makes getting through to a better place possible. We need to use our discernment about who deserves to know the full “us”, when/where we are safe, and how much risk we can take.
Wherever you are on your unmasking journey, I hope you’ve found and are finding more of your people. If it feels like I might be one of them, you can find me here.